The “To Be” list

Today I woke up with what felt like a B life hangover.

First some context. I took a week off from work for what I called my personal “spring renewal” break. I have (had?) grand plans to do some serious spring cleaning in the house and de-clutter. (Remember I mentioned the KonMari method in my first post?) My thought process was that de-cluttering will help solve the root problem of what I am facing in my life  –  CHAOS. To be more specific – the feeling of chaos and being in survival mode when I am a solo parent of a 5 and 3-year-old.

I had planned to get two full days of decluttering in on my days off without the kids. But that did not happen. Not even close. I shared in my first post that I was riding the high of spontaneously starting my blog and happy that I abandoned my plans for the day. And at the time that was genuinely and authentically true. I was drunk on living the B life!

Until this morning. I woke up with tremendous guilt and anxiety. I get my kids back tonight and the house still feels chaotic. Nothing on my list was crossed off. I accomplished nothing. I failed.

For two hours I swirled around my house trying to multi task and salvage some of my weekend’s intentions. That just made things worse. I now had about 10 things started instead of 1 thing finished. The anxiety was mounting. I had so many things I wanted to do!

And then I stopped. I forced myself to breath and reflect. What was going on with me? Why this pressure TO DO so much? I became aware that I was fearing the inevitable feeling of chaos and being in survivor mode again when I got the kids back.

Pause.

I then asked myself – What do I want TO BE today? I closed my eyes, took a long deep breath and said – I want to be calm, present and happy. I want to be in the moment and enjoy my time with kids – not fear it.

I instantly I felt calm.

I realize I have the choice and ability to control how I want to be. Right here. Right now! I do not need to cross off things on my to do list to get there. All I need to do is shift my mental state to find the calm in the chaos. If I wait for the day when my to do list is finished to feel calm I will miss out on life around me. Instead, I am going to start to work on cultivating my “To Be” list. Seems a lot more doable and a better way to approach my day!

Let’s see how it goes.

 

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