I am supposed to be on the road to my yoga retreat right now. On the road to a weekend of disconnecting and slowing down. A weekend to do some yoga, attend guided meditations and enjoy nature. A weekend to sit, reflect, journal and go deep inside myself. A weekend to not worry about my to do list and just BE.
But instead I am sitting on my back patio – connected to my laptop with my to do list open. Why? Because yesterday I made the decision to stay home and not go on my yoga retreat. And I feel at peace with the decision.
Wait. Correction. I now feel at peace with the decision — it was admittedly a bit of a struggle to get here.
Let me take you back two days. It’s Wednesday evening. Day 5 of my week-long “spring renewal” vacation and I….AM….STRESSED. You see my original plan was take the week to de-clutter the house and the weekend to de-clutter the mind. I only had one day left before departing for my retreat and had barely made a dent on my house de-cluttering efforts. I told myself “You can get it done Jen…Just wake up at 6am tomorrow and work into the night!”
My entire body tightened. I felt enormous pressure.
And then a voice popped into my head — cancel the retreat.
No way I thought. I can’t cancel the retreat! I just launched a blog about living the B life. I can’t stay home to get things done. That would be completely hypocritical and contradictory. What would people think?
Cancel the retreat.
There it was again. That little voice – or more likely that intuition thing I am learning to pay attention to.
Struggling to make a decision I chose to sleep on it. I woke up Thursday morning (not at 6am mind you). Thoughts were ping ponging in my head. I stopped to journal and offer myself some self compassion. I asked myself “What would you tell your best friend if she was in this situation?”
My response was simple. I would tell her “Do what makes you happy. No one is judging you except yourself. What is your heart telling you?”
I placed my hand on my heart.
Cancel the retreat.
My body relaxed. I felt enormous pressure lifted.
It was right then and there that I realized I do not need a weekend to escape to the B life —what I need is a way to find balance in my current life. I need a way to cultivate a state of being when I also have things that need doing. I misled myself to believe that my journey is from A to B. It’s about integrating the A and the B. It’s finding the yin to match my yang.
So I canceled my retreat. And I very much look forward to a weekend at home to slow down, enjoy nature, reflect, do yoga AND……. clean out the kids closet.